Chapters
Three Things #121: May 26, 2024
A few years ago I participated in a meditation retreat. During the ten days of silence, with no distractions, I had an almost unbearable amount of time deep inside my head. It was an intense period of self-exploration, unlike any I had experienced before, and it gave me the opportunity to explore every nook and cranny of my personality and psyche: fears, dreams, desires, hopes, sense of self, and of course my past. One activity that consumed my thoughts was writing the story of my life—mentally, of course, since reading and writing were also prohibited.
I divided my life into around 20 chapters at that time (and would add a few more since then). The chapters were often marked by significant life events: graduating from school, starting a new job, changing geographies, marrying, having a child, etc. In my case, frequent moves across states and countries created natural chapter boundaries. While it’s possible to move without starting a new chapter, significant moves almost always mean a new beginning.
I started by recalling every place I’d ever lived, which gradually evolved into the narrative of my entire life. I won’t share all those chapters here, as they’re quite personal and numerous. However, I do want to reflect on the importance of these chapters and why I believe this exercise is beneficial for everyone.
As I've matured, I've found it helpful to understand my life as a series of contiguous chapters. This perspective helps me appreciate the distinct phases of my journey, while also acknowledging the continuous thread of my identity and experiences, much like a recurring theme in a book or a piece of music that evolves as the story progresses.
Thing #1: Division 🗂️
"There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story." - Frank Herbert
Chapters in life aren't just about changing jobs or moving to new places. They're defined by the different goals, challenges, and experiences we face during different times. To pick one example, one of my goals last year was to run a three hour marathon. This year my fitness goals are very different, and to some extent so are my personal and professional goals. Last year I was facing the challenge of raising a one year old far from family in a big city. Now I’m navigating life with a two year old in the suburbs, dealing with a less favorable timezone and less familiar surroundings. Professionally, last year was about launching Spacemesh; this year, it's about keeping it running, adding features, and raising awareness. Each goal naturally follows the previous one, but each is distinct and requires a different approach.
Despite being separated by only a few months—how much could I possibly have changed during that time?—my experiences this year are very different than those last year. Each change might seem small on its own, but together, they create a clear boundary between chapters.
Having structure helps us understand and manage complex things. One of the most valuable lessons I learned in engineering is "divide and conquer"—breaking down big problems into simpler parts. Recognizing that I'm in a new chapter helps me reassess my goals, challenges, and how I manage my time and resources.
We break text into paragraphs and books into chapters for a reason. By the same token dividing our lives into chapters helps us understand the bigger picture and see how everything fits together. It allows us to track progress, celebrate small wins, and adapt to changes. It helps us understand the long arc of our lives and how the pieces fit together. It also gives us hope and reminds us that good things, as well as bad, are temporary—this chapter, too, will end. I find it very difficult to make plans for the very long term, but I find thinking and planning in terms of chapters of, say, 2-3 years much more palatable.
Self-awareness and understanding are the foundation of everything good. It's hard to understand a self that's constantly changing. Those moments where change speeds up or slows down are the perfect times to reflect on how our plans and goals need to adapt. Recognizing these chapter boundaries helps us keep up with our evolving selves.
Thing #2: Continuity 💫
"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Søren Kierkegaard
My life is made up of distinct chapters, but the common thread through all these chapters is the self. Each chapter is a smaller part of a bigger story—the story of the self. The self that thinks, realizes, narrates, and divides life into chapters is shaped by those very chapters. It's inseparable from the thoughts, experiences, and feelings that came before. By its very nature, the self is continuous and contiguous.
Dividing life into chapters is like creating a map of terrain. A topographical map uses contour lines to mark elevation changes: 1000 feet, 2000 feet, 3000 feet. These numbers are arbitrary but useful. And as anyone who has driven (or run!) over a mountain knows, elevation changes gradually, not in sudden steps. The map helps us understand the overall shape of the terrain, with the understanding that the map is not the territory.
We need a similar map for our lives. We can choose to mark our chapters arbitrarily, like one per year, or in a way that feels less random. But just as different biographers might divide the same life into different chapters, each with its own length and significance, so too can we create our own unique divisions. This is how the history of not only a life but also of the entire world is written.
The key thing to remember is that even as we transition from one chapter to the next, through significant changes, we remain fundamentally the same person. Just as the terrain gradually shifts from desert to plains, the self evolves and matures slowly. Many of our core personality traits are determined at birth and stay relatively stable throughout life. While we need to continually update our understanding of ourselves to keep up with this gradual evolution, recognizing the continuity of the self is just as important. We should appreciate the traits that don't change: our core personality, strengths, weaknesses, and values.
Thing #3: Integration 🔗
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Søren Kierkegaard
We don't usually notice change on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis. This applies to the world around us, like the changing seasons, and to the people around us, but it's especially true for ourselves. Recognizing and appreciating the chapter we're currently in, with its unique set of challenges, goals, and circumstances, helps make this gradual progress more visible. It also makes it clearer when it's time to start a new chapter. By contrast refusing to turn the page when it's time isn't good for us or those around us.
One helpful strategy for recognizing change, tracking the evolving self, and understanding the current chapter is to reflect in writing on things like my values, goals, and expectations. Tracking these over time can highlight progress and shifts. Another strategy is reconnecting with old friends or visiting places I used to frequent. These experiences trigger old memories, remind me of who I used to be, and force me to see how much I've changed and hopefully, progressed.
Once change and progress become obvious, the next step, and perhaps the hardest, is to integrate it into your understanding of yourself. I won't pretend there's a magic strategy to make this easy—it isn't. However, when the goals and values I reflect on consistently don't match my actions and self-expression, it becomes clear that it's time to update my self-understanding. This requires a mix of reflection, meditation, and honest conversations with those who know you best. It also requires some alone time, which can be hard to come by. I recommend meditation retreats, long runs, and solo road trips!
I started the biggest, most important chapter of my life two years ago when my son was born. It took a long time to fully integrate being a parent into my self-understanding! The immediate changes, like adjusting my work and sleep schedule, additional costs, and extra stress, were obvious. But it takes time for the deeper effects to play out and impact my self-understanding. A great example is my motivation for work. It used to be a vague, "To make the world a better place." That’s still true—it’s a core value—but now it's more specific: "To make the world better for my son."
I often feel that being successful and happy means living simultaneously in the past, present, and future. We need to stay grounded, remember where we came from, and be grateful for the joy we've experienced. Seeing how far we've come helps us be comfortable, confident, and grateful for the richness of our lives today and the person we've become. We need to be optimistic and face the future with boldness and confidence. But most importantly, we need to appreciate the here and now.
As we navigate the chapters of our lives, it’s crucial to recognize the continuous thread that connects them all. Each chapter, with its unique challenges and triumphs, contributes to our growth and shapes our evolving identity. By embracing both the changes and the constants, we can better understand ourselves and our place in the world.
So, as you reflect on your own journey, ask yourself: What chapter are you currently writing? How have your past chapters shaped who you are today, and how will they influence the chapters yet to come? Remember, the story of your life is a dynamic and evolving narrative, and you are both the author and the protagonist. Write it with intention, mindfulness, and a deep appreciation for every moment.
In other words, we write the story of our lives by appreciating both the continuity of the self and the steady progress we make each day through the chapters of our lives. Embrace your narrative, celebrate your progress, and look forward to the chapters yet unwritten.